so the new semister has started, I have walked the first step into the final year of my bachelor education.
and yet a shade of doubt is upon me, covering the sun from my eyes, even more than before, the more i think what am i going to do with this? and the noneexisting answers that showup and more questions are raised...
suppose i finish this... what next? what's the next big thing? maybe i'll go to canada, but then what? am i fit to survive amoung all the smart people there? can i outrun my competitors? can i overcome the great financial needs that will sit on my back? can i find a job?
speaking of job! industrial design is the 37th greatest job in the top 100 jobs in the world... yet the job market is so low, that you have to be either so at the top of the game, or you end up nothing, there is no middle ground in this thing... and yet i feel like a blinded man reaching for a dream that he can never have...
what is the next big thing? i make my own DESIGN FRAME, but with what money? who's gonna rent a place? whos gonna pay for it and the advertisement? how am i going to hire people? why should they work for me? how am i going to pay them? how is it even possible?
am i doing the best that i can? I SURE AS HELL AM NOT! I'M JUST DOING GOOD WORK AND THAT'S IT...
what do you do when you think that you're so creative and design something and grow so fund of it that think this is a goddamn breakthrough, and the next minute you'll find the exact thing on the first page of google images? how sad is that? that everything you think is great and yours, someone else has done it somewhere else?
what do you do when you're in a relation that is all shrouded with doubts and guilt?
what do you do, that even when you try as hard to forget things and getalong the thoughts keep hunting you?
what do you do when you realize that you only have a handful of people around you who really care about you.. but that is if they find time, and their not tired of your yappings?
what do you do when you see your other friends are growing distant from you because you think they don't desrve your friedship?
what do you do when all your brain activities and ideals spin around the negative theories which you consider not only good and helpful but also consider it a realist view on things....
i was talking to a friend of mine , and i was saying how i feel about the world, and that life means battle and survival of the fittest... and if you fail to win you'll be erased. i kept saying that we're like worms in a sea of filth that keep swiming to reach the dry lands and to survive in hope of evolution and growing feet and become frogs to leap the boundries...and that we humans will never reach our goal because we don't follow a natural order of things...
the next thing i heard was that i'm bullshiting and said that she had nothing to say anymore...
you know why? because out of every 10 calls i kept saying the same thing for the last 9 times, and the more she tried to help to change my view the less it worked. so she just gave up and said the hell with it... you're an asshole! you make life so hard on yourself, the great things never bother you, but the smallest stuff cripple you so bad that you go nuts. you think so much, just go with the flow moron.
not every friend tell you these stuff that can actually make you think.. i'm tankful of that.
but yet i keep thinking.
what do you do when you hate your projects? when you want to adapt and try to love'em and yet the tutur does something that makes you even hate it more... when you have brought all he has asked of you and when you want to present it, he doesn't give a slightest shit about all the efforts that you've done?
and keeps talking with some other guy because he likes him more?
what do you do when your tutor keeps humiliating you without even knowing you? because he thinks that he's the god all mighty of all and he knows so much and refuses to share a spark of his holiness to you because he thinks you're unworthy?
what do you do when you fail others...
what do you do when the biggest chance is right infront of you and you don't bother to take it seriously?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
JUST WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO TO MAKE LIFE INTERESTING FOR YOURSELF?
WHY DO SOME OF US THINK TOO MUCH TO BECOME SO SAD AND BROKEN?
WHY IS IT THAT SOME OF US JUST CAN'T ENJOY OUR LIVES?
Life is full of unfulfilled expectations. It's sad and really hurtful but it's true. But not all turns are for the worst.
ReplyDeleteI have been in these situations a lot. I am in one right now. I wonder just What The Fuck am I doing with my life? It may seem like it's clear cut to other people but when I think about it myself it scares the hell out of me.
We indeed have to go with the flow. But that's not a bad thing when you consider that all things flow. Nothing is in the same place in any second and no circumstance is like the other no matter how hard you try. The thing is, we have to grab life as hard as we can and do our best in what we like most.
It's hard as hell but dreams are all a man has and he has to follow them no matter what.
I know it sounds like I'm preaching here like Tina but this is actually what I believe. I may not be brave enough myself to take action but I KNOW IT IS ALL TRUE.
And knowing is half the battle, right?